The thing is almost never about the thing.

Folks who spend any time around me are likely to hear this comment more than once.

What do I mean? I mean that in almost every situation, the issue that seems to be at hand is most likely not the actual issue, just an irritant. In coaching, this would be the difference between what is often called the presenting issue and whatever the underlying cause is. (I’m not a medical professional, but I suspect the same might well be true of that profession.)

Because more often than not, what upsets us isn’t the issue…but it is rather what the issue represents, perhaps the person behind the issue, or perhaps something in us!

When I hear a leader talk about a staff member who shows up to work late, for example, my antennae go up…because that’s almost never the problem. The real problem is almost always the quality of work they are doing, their level of commitment, their impact on others, etc…none of which would be “fixed” if they began showing up to work on time.

Things will happen. If we expect that the cure to our reaction is to avoid “things happen” moments, we will be disappointed. But if we can identify what it is about those moments—not the moments themselves, but our reaction to those moments—we equip ourselves to make the bumpy ride of life a little more smooth.

So the next time something bothers you, think about why. And then go deeper—and figure out what is really bothering you. That’s where the progress lies.